Monday, January 31, 2011

a bad start to the year

january has sucked it big time! have i really exhausted all possible options for night time friends in this town??? i am having major boning withdrawls here folks. mama needs to get laid ASAP! tomorrow is a new month. here's hoping for better boning prospects. PLEASE GOD, let it be so! blah.

-pg

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Claptrap rises from the dead.

So I kind of messed up? A new nighttime friend KNOWS about the Night Time Friends blog. Dur.


Maybe I can write in code.  Super intricate/complicated code that even I won't know what the hell I'm talking about. But ya, for the moment I won't be writing much. I'm assuming that this particular Night Time Friend is not following this blog or has any interest in reading it, but still. I shall not take any chances and won't dive into any gritty details.

A word for the ladies out there:  NYC is the place to meet dudes. Fact. 

Saturday, January 15, 2011

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???

err i find boys to be confusing 99% of the time. but this dude i just broke it off with fucking takes the cake. bumped into him last wednesday at a bar where we basically proceeded to ignore each other. next day this is what he had to say:

him: though this was not the way i wanted to see you again, it was great seeing you. and i hope you're doing great and that life keeps on laughing with you and with the same or equal spirit you possess. i have something for you, i just never really knew where to send it to.  i know where you work but that always seemed out of place. and i didnt want to bother you there to be honest. maybe one day we'll talk, if you want. till then keep on shining because there's only one of you and the rest of us need that light. bye.

HUH?!?!?!?! what the hell does that mean? things have always been so vague with this guy so i decided to lay shit out on the table. this is what i wrote back.

me: i dont really know what to say to this. i havent heard from you for a couple for a couple of weeks and you really made no effort to try and talk to me last night. you're constantly sending me mixed signals which i find to be very annoying. you act as if i was the one that didn't want to see/talk to you but really it's the other way around. maybe you could stop being a douchebag. (HA!)

him: i never intended to act indifferent towards you and it is on my shoulders that the blame rests, and it has been for a while. and last night everytime i wanted to talk to you, you were otherwise engaged somewhere else. but i just wanted to express to you how sorry i am for my actions and wish ed i could have acted, well, not like a douchebag.

me: i wish you would not have acted like a douchebag either. it felt like you didnt really give a shit about me or that i did something wrong in some way. you really hurt my feelings. but i am not the type to hold a grudge and if you would like to be friends that is okay with me. if not, thats okay too. maybe the next time we run into each other it wont be so awkward and honestly i do miss your company even if you are a douchebag.

him: that what i want even though i have no right to ask for it, thank you.

HMMM...well okay. i didnt write anything after that last text. honestly i was just over the whole thing and ready not to think about it anymore. THEN i get a text today from him telling me he's at a store literally around the corner from my work getting candy. WTF is he doing lurking around my work? i dunno man. i had no response for that either. BOYS CAN YOU STOP BEING SO CONFUSING PLEASE???!!!!!!!!

-pg

Friday, January 14, 2011

Rubberphobia

I've been deemed the Lesbian Whisperer. I have had two relationships with log term lezzies. I'm not talking barsexuals, aka lezzies when drunk, but full on since they were in high school lezzies. One from last year, code named horse lady, got on a little hot retool recently. A retool is when a girl comes back to a familier man for a little boning up (pun intended). It's never intended to be a lasting thing. In fact you don't want it to be. There was a reason it didn't work out. But in a retool senario that reason was not the sex.

I have been keeping monogmous with current girl aka TallGirl. But Horse Lady got a retool a while back and it ended in condom failure. Woopsie! It happens. Be reasponsible and hope for the best. I do my part by sticking to track proven rubbers. Only the best Johnnies for this guy. But the squishy boot got stuck and out I came unwittingly. She freaked out. Way out! Lezzies of this order are rarley on the pill it seems. And the gay community has been hammered with a fear of the sickly cock. This epic freakout was way overboard. She ran out and that ended things.

Seriously, the Wang is an easy thing to keep clean. The perception that dudes are gross and let shit fester is something I take issue with. I could just as easily rant on about the creepy mystery of the vagina and spread the myth that girls have no clue and are often shoving random things up there And you wouldn't even know cus after all it IS a little sex pocket hidden from view.

But I guess I assume people are smarter than that. Ar least the ones I would bone. Call me crazy.

By the way; go with Duralube second skin. Trojans are flakey and don't get me started on Lifestyles. Good rubber is the only way to go. Don't assume the handouts at Family Planning are working for people. You can't return a faulty condom. Store credit at best.... Ewww.


- ReTool

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Going Down is the New Up

So you should know that Mr. Retool is a year out of a long term relationship with a lady we will call The Hobbit. The Hobbit was great at making me feel like the worlds worst under performer. I was never convinced, but I was always a little unsure about the oral. The bush whacking. The lap-it-up dance.

That is no more. I got a dyed in the wool lesbian to go to O-Town without so much as an assist. Just by the magic of the toung. This is a big deal. I figure if anyone is a connisour in this department, it's a lady that has gone without cock for a decade.

Most important isn't so much the validation of my skills. No, the biggest satisfation is that THAT BITCH HOBBIT WAS WRONG!

- ReTool

Time to MAN up

Night Time Friends introduces a new panelist. A male. A dude. A cock among flowers. Someone who can spread the male version of feminism.... Menemism!


 - ReTool

Sunday, January 9, 2011

DAMMIT!

so i just wrote a blog about how i was over my ex and i fucked a whole bunch of dudes to get over him and blah blah blah. well guess fucking what? i just unblocked him and his fucking cunt, you know the one he fucked behind my back, on facebook and proceeded to look through all their shit. why did i do this, you ask? GOOD FUCKING QUESTION! answer? I DONT KNOW! i must really hate myself. because really what would drive me to torture myself by looking at pictures of them all happy and in love? why did i do this when i already knew before hand it was going to feel like someone punched me in the stomach looking at this shit? ARGH!!!!! AND WHY is it impossible for me to be in a normal stable relationship when the whack job, asshole, lying cheating motherfucker that is my ex is STILL with the girl he cheated on me with! WHAT THE FUCK! what is wrong with me! WHEN is it going to stop hurting when i think about this guy? i just want to move on. really i do. i have no secret fantasies of us getting back together. i wouldn't want to touch him now with a ten foot pole. i am over him in the sense that i would never ever want to be with this person again. BUT STILL i feel angry and hurt and bitter and inadequate and basically like a piece of shit whenever i think about what happened. WHEN IS THAT GOING TO GO AWAY? its been 6 months now. we were together for a year and a half. he was my first real relationship and the first person i ever fell in love with. i want to come to a place where i can be happy for this person and not feel all these terrible feelings whenever i think about him. is that possible? SIGH. i dunno. i'll let you know in another 6 months.


emo break up song courtesey of leona lewis.

- pg

Saturday, January 8, 2011

year end round out

2010 was the year of sex. LOTS of SEX!

i slept with more guys last year than i ever have in my whole life. i also had my heart broken in a major way which probably had a lot to do with my sluttyness. did sleeping with a whole bunch of dudes help me get over my asshole ex? honestly, the answer is yes. knowing that there were other guys out there, MUCH HOTTER GUYS, that were attracted to me, really put things in perspective. i learned a lot about myself and dudes in general. they say time heals all wounds, but lots of crazy, awesome sex helps too! unfortunately not all night time friends fell into the crazy awesome sex category. some were mediocre and some just plain sucked! so here's a 2010 rundown of past lovers, one night stands, and everything in between.

the rebound after the ex - i met him a couple of weeks after the big breakup. he was a friend of my roommates that i met at a bar. he asked me out on a date, i said yes. honestly i would have said yes to anyone at this point. BUT to be fair, he was a super nice, decent looking guy. very unassuming boring white guy as my friend claptrap would say. he went out for about a month. dates were great. sex was HORRIBLE! he would literally come in 10 seconds, i kid you not! i think i counted one time to make sure. he came in 10 mississippis. BAD BAD BAD. rating = 2.5/5

the neighborhood guy - so this dude used to live in the neighborhood where i work. i would see him all the time and we would make small talk in line for coffee and what not. he came into my work one day and asked me for my phone number. i thought he was so hot! tattoos are a major weakness for me. especially neck tattoos. anyways we boozed and boned a couple of times. it was pretty good. then i find out he's hitting on my co-workers and being an all around douchebag. comes in one day and tries to tell me he's putting on a fashion show and that bjork and anna wintour were gonna come. can we say CRAZY? i called him out on his bullshit which he wasnt very happy about, so ever since then we try to avoid each other. thank god he moved away. moral of the story. dont shit where you eat. rating 1/5

the co-workers roommate - met him while hanging out with my co worker. we didnt exchange any type of info but then he strangely found me on okcupid and messaged me. coffee, dinner, boning. it was pretty meh. we boned twice. i wanted to hang out more but i dont think he wanted to seeing as how he's in AA and i drink like a fish. NEXT! rating = 1.5/5

the friend of a friend - met this dude while hanging out with a good friend. he was definitely a true night time friend. we didnt go on dates, we just drank and fucked. that was pretty much the whole relationship. no cuddling, no breakfast, no nothing. this went on for about a month or so. sex was pretty good. although i did get my period unknowingly one night at his house and got period blood all over his sheets! SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING! we're still semi friends although we dont bone anymore. rating = 3/5

the one night stand - alright we already know about this one. if you dont, read here. yeah i pretty much never saw or heard from this dude again. although a couple of weeks ago i did run into him at a bar where we proceeded to ignore each other. i accidentally made eye contact with him though and he gave me a funny little smile. i found it endearing. rating = 2/5

the one with the girlfriend - so i've written about side piece a lot already. i met him while hanging out with friends. i boned him knowing he had a girlfriend that lived in canada. i didnt really care though. if your girlfriend lives in another country and you've been together less than 3 months, it doesnt fucking count. anyways all we would do is drink jameson, play pool, get wrecked and have lots of crazy drunk sex. and morning sex. man it was good and a lot of fun. for some reason i never got attached to this guy. i have absolutely no feelings for him. everything we have is purely sexual. if we stopped having sex and were just friends that would be okay with me too. i find it quite strange. maybe its because we have no expectations of each other? i dunno. we still talk and have sex occasionally. he gets the award for best cuddler though. rating = 4/5

the one i actually liked - aka main piece. we dated for about two months. its pretty much over now. he acted like he was into me, then he wasnt, then he was again. it was all very confusing. i sent him a text saying as much and i never heard from him again. radio silence for about two weeks now. what a weirdo. although out of all the guys i fucked last year he was the best. lots of foreplay and he LOVED to go down on me. whenever we had sex it usually lasted about two hours or more. if i were to give a rating based purely on the sex it would be 5/5. but because he is an asshat he gets bumped down to 3.5. also he was not a good cuddler.

SO there you have it. working on the 2011 edition though no luck yet. hey its only been 8 days. HA!

- pussy galore