Inquiring minds want to know...

Is he talking about buttsex???



Either way, this song fucking rules.

- Claptrap.

The year was 1978

My step afro-american step-dad married my white mom. He was cool and funky. And my mom decided to homeschool me. Which meant watching a lot of PBS. Can you blame me for having a boner for smart educated and fit black ladies? Check this shit out. WORD tv.... word...

 - ReTool

Little Love

Just saw the cutest dwarf couple walk by holding hands. I bet they work in Hollywood together and met on a movie set. They must be on vacation, it is pier 39 afterall. I also like to think he proposed to her on the set of a Pirates of the Carribean sequel. Do they have little people in any of those? I bet they do. Either way... Effing cute. I hope my story is true and that they don't just work in fetish porn in that creepy Mission castle.

- ReTool

A Dirty Seekers Sucess

I started my post breakup 2009 fucking season with a new rule: NO white bread! But that quickly deteriorated as a frigid and Vanilla OK Cupid lay before me. After just one half-Latina I was back to whitey.

But latley Ive been jonsin for something fresh. Assless white girls get me bored and my libido goes down. That and, at 33, I have had my helping of them. In fact, perched sadly at the precarious edge of my bucket list are two large swaths of humanity I have yet to sleep with: Asians or a black girl. How does that happen? I might as well say I am a virgin!

After a boring Saturday night of working from home, my needing fer a bonin gets creepy. Which can only mean one thing: Craigslist Casual Encounters!

Usually a bot and wangfest, I replied to some chick who wanted totalk dirty over IM. Sure why not.

She sends me a pic. I was expecting the bottom of the BBW wasteland. But it's not, she is totally cute, and (gasp!) all kinds of ethnic! We chat, and it gets rated R and rated HJ too. We lament about how we both need to get laid in real life. After a few comments we begin to realize we only live 3 blocks away from each other. "wow, um.." "too bad I don't actually know you" "oh man, right?" .... "but .... In a way I know you better than if I met you at a bar. We have been talking for like 2 hours" "I'll be over in 15 minutes".

That easy.

she was the tripple word score. Fillapino (asian check) and black-puerto rican (hispanic and black!) it was like reaching into your freezer for some
Dryers Vanilla and instead getting some insane Ben and Jerrys concoction with cream, chocolate chips and a fillipino swirl. We boned. She was loud. She laughed when we came. Not at me, thankfully, but at where the night had gone. She asked if she should leave, it was 4am. I said sleep over. She woke me up at 6am and we were back at it.

Now can I get those flavors ala cart?

- ReTool

a bad start to the year

january has sucked it big time! have i really exhausted all possible options for night time friends in this town??? i am having major boning withdrawls here folks. mama needs to get laid ASAP! tomorrow is a new month. here's hoping for better boning prospects. PLEASE GOD, let it be so! blah.

-pg

Claptrap rises from the dead.

So I kind of messed up? A new nighttime friend KNOWS about the Night Time Friends blog. Dur.


Maybe I can write in code.  Super intricate/complicated code that even I won't know what the hell I'm talking about. But ya, for the moment I won't be writing much. I'm assuming that this particular Night Time Friend is not following this blog or has any interest in reading it, but still. I shall not take any chances and won't dive into any gritty details.

A word for the ladies out there:  NYC is the place to meet dudes. Fact. 

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???

err i find boys to be confusing 99% of the time. but this dude i just broke it off with fucking takes the cake. bumped into him last wednesday at a bar where we basically proceeded to ignore each other. next day this is what he had to say:

him: though this was not the way i wanted to see you again, it was great seeing you. and i hope you're doing great and that life keeps on laughing with you and with the same or equal spirit you possess. i have something for you, i just never really knew where to send it to.  i know where you work but that always seemed out of place. and i didnt want to bother you there to be honest. maybe one day we'll talk, if you want. till then keep on shining because there's only one of you and the rest of us need that light. bye.

HUH?!?!?!?! what the hell does that mean? things have always been so vague with this guy so i decided to lay shit out on the table. this is what i wrote back.

me: i dont really know what to say to this. i havent heard from you for a couple for a couple of weeks and you really made no effort to try and talk to me last night. you're constantly sending me mixed signals which i find to be very annoying. you act as if i was the one that didn't want to see/talk to you but really it's the other way around. maybe you could stop being a douchebag. (HA!)

him: i never intended to act indifferent towards you and it is on my shoulders that the blame rests, and it has been for a while. and last night everytime i wanted to talk to you, you were otherwise engaged somewhere else. but i just wanted to express to you how sorry i am for my actions and wish ed i could have acted, well, not like a douchebag.

me: i wish you would not have acted like a douchebag either. it felt like you didnt really give a shit about me or that i did something wrong in some way. you really hurt my feelings. but i am not the type to hold a grudge and if you would like to be friends that is okay with me. if not, thats okay too. maybe the next time we run into each other it wont be so awkward and honestly i do miss your company even if you are a douchebag.

him: that what i want even though i have no right to ask for it, thank you.

HMMM...well okay. i didnt write anything after that last text. honestly i was just over the whole thing and ready not to think about it anymore. THEN i get a text today from him telling me he's at a store literally around the corner from my work getting candy. WTF is he doing lurking around my work? i dunno man. i had no response for that either. BOYS CAN YOU STOP BEING SO CONFUSING PLEASE???!!!!!!!!

-pg

Rubberphobia

I've been deemed the Lesbian Whisperer. I have had two relationships with log term lezzies. I'm not talking barsexuals, aka lezzies when drunk, but full on since they were in high school lezzies. One from last year, code named horse lady, got on a little hot retool recently. A retool is when a girl comes back to a familier man for a little boning up (pun intended). It's never intended to be a lasting thing. In fact you don't want it to be. There was a reason it didn't work out. But in a retool senario that reason was not the sex.

I have been keeping monogmous with current girl aka TallGirl. But Horse Lady got a retool a while back and it ended in condom failure. Woopsie! It happens. Be reasponsible and hope for the best. I do my part by sticking to track proven rubbers. Only the best Johnnies for this guy. But the squishy boot got stuck and out I came unwittingly. She freaked out. Way out! Lezzies of this order are rarley on the pill it seems. And the gay community has been hammered with a fear of the sickly cock. This epic freakout was way overboard. She ran out and that ended things.

Seriously, the Wang is an easy thing to keep clean. The perception that dudes are gross and let shit fester is something I take issue with. I could just as easily rant on about the creepy mystery of the vagina and spread the myth that girls have no clue and are often shoving random things up there And you wouldn't even know cus after all it IS a little sex pocket hidden from view.

But I guess I assume people are smarter than that. Ar least the ones I would bone. Call me crazy.

By the way; go with Duralube second skin. Trojans are flakey and don't get me started on Lifestyles. Good rubber is the only way to go. Don't assume the handouts at Family Planning are working for people. You can't return a faulty condom. Store credit at best.... Ewww.


- ReTool

Going Down is the New Up

So you should know that Mr. Retool is a year out of a long term relationship with a lady we will call The Hobbit. The Hobbit was great at making me feel like the worlds worst under performer. I was never convinced, but I was always a little unsure about the oral. The bush whacking. The lap-it-up dance.

That is no more. I got a dyed in the wool lesbian to go to O-Town without so much as an assist. Just by the magic of the toung. This is a big deal. I figure if anyone is a connisour in this department, it's a lady that has gone without cock for a decade.

Most important isn't so much the validation of my skills. No, the biggest satisfation is that THAT BITCH HOBBIT WAS WRONG!

- ReTool

Time to MAN up

Night Time Friends introduces a new panelist. A male. A dude. A cock among flowers. Someone who can spread the male version of feminism.... Menemism!

 - ReTool

DAMMIT!

so i just wrote a blog about how i was over my ex and i fucked a whole bunch of dudes to get over him and blah blah blah. well guess fucking what? i just unblocked him and his fucking cunt, you know the one he fucked behind my back, on facebook and proceeded to look through all their shit. why did i do this, you ask? GOOD FUCKING QUESTION! answer? I DONT KNOW! i must really hate myself. because really what would drive me to torture myself by looking at pictures of them all happy and in love? why did i do this when i already knew before hand it was going to feel like someone punched me in the stomach looking at this shit? ARGH!!!!! AND WHY is it impossible for me to be in a normal stable relationship when the whack job, asshole, lying cheating motherfucker that is my ex is STILL with the girl he cheated on me with! WHAT THE FUCK! what is wrong with me! WHEN is it going to stop hurting when i think about this guy? i just want to move on. really i do. i have no secret fantasies of us getting back together. i wouldn't want to touch him now with a ten foot pole. i am over him in the sense that i would never ever want to be with this person again. BUT STILL i feel angry and hurt and bitter and inadequate and basically like a piece of shit whenever i think about what happened. WHEN IS THAT GOING TO GO AWAY? its been 6 months now. we were together for a year and a half. he was my first real relationship and the first person i ever fell in love with. i want to come to a place where i can be happy for this person and not feel all these terrible feelings whenever i think about him. is that possible? SIGH. i dunno. i'll let you know in another 6 months.

emo break up song courtesey of leona lewis.

- pg

year end round out

2010 was the year of sex. LOTS of SEX!

i slept with more guys last year than i ever have in my whole life. i also had my heart broken in a major way which probably had a lot to do with my sluttyness. did sleeping with a whole bunch of dudes help me get over my asshole ex? honestly, the answer is yes. knowing that there were other guys out there, MUCH HOTTER GUYS, that were attracted to me, really put things in perspective. i learned a lot about myself and dudes in general. they say time heals all wounds, but lots of crazy, awesome sex helps too! unfortunately not all night time friends fell into the crazy awesome sex category. some were mediocre and some just plain sucked! so here's a 2010 rundown of past lovers, one night stands, and everything in between.

the rebound after the ex - i met him a couple of weeks after the big breakup. he was a friend of my roommates that i met at a bar. he asked me out on a date, i said yes. honestly i would have said yes to anyone at this point. BUT to be fair, he was a super nice, decent looking guy. very unassuming boring white guy as my friend claptrap would say. he went out for about a month. dates were great. sex was HORRIBLE! he would literally come in 10 seconds, i kid you not! i think i counted one time to make sure. he came in 10 mississippis. BAD BAD BAD. rating = 2.5/5

the neighborhood guy - so this dude used to live in the neighborhood where i work. i would see him all the time and we would make small talk in line for coffee and what not. he came into my work one day and asked me for my phone number. i thought he was so hot! tattoos are a major weakness for me. especially neck tattoos. anyways we boozed and boned a couple of times. it was pretty good. then i find out he's hitting on my co-workers and being an all around douchebag. comes in one day and tries to tell me he's putting on a fashion show and that bjork and anna wintour were gonna come. can we say CRAZY? i called him out on his bullshit which he wasnt very happy about, so ever since then we try to avoid each other. thank god he moved away. moral of the story. dont shit where you eat. rating 1/5

the co-workers roommate - met him while hanging out with my co worker. we didnt exchange any type of info but then he strangely found me on okcupid and messaged me. coffee, dinner, boning. it was pretty meh. we boned twice. i wanted to hang out more but i dont think he wanted to seeing as how he's in AA and i drink like a fish. NEXT! rating = 1.5/5

the friend of a friend - met this dude while hanging out with a good friend. he was definitely a true night time friend. we didnt go on dates, we just drank and fucked. that was pretty much the whole relationship. no cuddling, no breakfast, no nothing. this went on for about a month or so. sex was pretty good. although i did get my period unknowingly one night at his house and got period blood all over his sheets! SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING! we're still semi friends although we dont bone anymore. rating = 3/5

the one night stand - alright we already know about this one. if you dont, read here. yeah i pretty much never saw or heard from this dude again. although a couple of weeks ago i did run into him at a bar where we proceeded to ignore each other. i accidentally made eye contact with him though and he gave me a funny little smile. i found it endearing. rating = 2/5

the one with the girlfriend - so i've written about side piece a lot already. i met him while hanging out with friends. i boned him knowing he had a girlfriend that lived in canada. i didnt really care though. if your girlfriend lives in another country and you've been together less than 3 months, it doesnt fucking count. anyways all we would do is drink jameson, play pool, get wrecked and have lots of crazy drunk sex. and morning sex. man it was good and a lot of fun. for some reason i never got attached to this guy. i have absolutely no feelings for him. everything we have is purely sexual. if we stopped having sex and were just friends that would be okay with me too. i find it quite strange. maybe its because we have no expectations of each other? i dunno. we still talk and have sex occasionally. he gets the award for best cuddler though. rating = 4/5

the one i actually liked - aka main piece. we dated for about two months. its pretty much over now. he acted like he was into me, then he wasnt, then he was again. it was all very confusing. i sent him a text saying as much and i never heard from him again. radio silence for about two weeks now. what a weirdo. although out of all the guys i fucked last year he was the best. lots of foreplay and he LOVED to go down on me. whenever we had sex it usually lasted about two hours or more. if i were to give a rating based purely on the sex it would be 5/5. but because he is an asshat he gets bumped down to 3.5. also he was not a good cuddler.

SO there you have it. working on the 2011 edition though no luck yet. hey its only been 8 days. HA!

- pussy galore

Rachel: lol what is with that? men and their socks...

Words blurted out during a Night Time Friend encounter:  "Why are you still wearing your socks?  You look like a black porn star."



-Claptrap.

.....

I have an official girl date tomorrow.  WTF?

Nighttime Friends has taken a turn for the weird.

- Claptrap

A quaint little conversation....

Pussy Galore and I were talking about Pop Pop (here's a description), and why I never boned him. 


Claptrap:  Damn Pop Pop.
Pussy Galore:  Why?  So nice he is.
Claptrap:  He was just so weird!  Still had no idea if he liked me or not.  Crusty old man!
Pussy Galore:  You shoulda just boned him.
Pussy Galore:  HA!!!!!!!  Lol.
Claptrap:  Dudeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee there was no way in a million years I would ever seduce that one.
Claptrap:  I would have done it for free bacon and booze.
Claptrap:  Not because I was sexually attracted to him.
Pussy Galore:  I've done it for less.

AND THAT IS WHY I LOVE THIS GIRL. 

Claptrap OUT!

in full like mode

dammit i am actually starting to REALLY like the dude i'm seeing! this is terrible! i've tried very hard not to get attached to anyone since breaking up with the ex. he was so horrible to me and left me utterly brokenhearted. hence the night time friends. no strings, just fun times and LOTS of sex. i am honestly quite scared about this whole situation. i don't know if  i'm ready to be in a relationship with anyone and don't want to turn into a clingy, jealous, suspicious girlfriend just because of things that have happened in past relationships. i predict i will probably self sabotage things with this dude so he can't hurt me first. BLERG!

- pussy galore

Simmered.

Alright, so my last two posts were so angry and bewildered that I had to delete them.  I've calmed down.  As god as my witness, I'm going to update this shit with something good SOON.  All I've got now is a new Pop Pop.* 

Young Pop?**




Alright dudes, Claptrap OUT.




*Just so we all know, Pop Pop was this dude I hung out with before I left SF.  He's a pretty famous artist I think, well known in SF, and a bartender at one of my favorite bars.  He was also short, kind of fat, had a shit ton of terrible tattoos, wasn't very good looking and was old as fuck (38).  POP POP. 

**Young Pop is almost exactly like the OG Pop Pop, but 28 and I think he's British?  His accent was funny.

Meh.

the mystery of the butthole

what is the dudes obsessions with butt fucking and buttholes in general? i cannot STAND things in and or around my butthole. SERIOUSLY. don't finger it, don't lick it, don't fuck it. i mean unless i just took a shower and that shit is sparkling clean i don't want you to lick it and then try to kiss me. nor do i want you to finger it and then have your finger smelling like poo. am i being a giant prude here? i mean some girls are into it right? and A LOT of guys are into butt fucking. WHY? someone please explain!!!!!

-pussy galore

to date or not to date

when you first start seeing someone, how do you know when are guys are officially "dating"? is it right from the get go, or after a certain period of time, say two or three months? or is it only after you guys have had "THE TALK" and the dude asks you to be his girlfriend? (btw, girls cant ask dudes to be their boyfriends. its just unheard of really.) what is the difference between "hanging out" and "dating"? is there any? the only difference i can think of, is that when you are dating someone you aren't supposed to fuck around with other people. when you're hanging out, its pretty fair game. isn't that the universal understanding, or did i make that up in my head?

me and main piece are definitely just hanging out. i think, at least in MY mind. i mean i've had my fair share of play while we've been together. refer to here and here. HA. BUT i don't consider this to be cheating or anything of the sort because 1) we've only been seeing each other for a month, and 2) we haven't had any sort of discussion where we acknowledge that we're only sleeping with each other. thus i consider us to be only hanging out. he's definitely more than a night time friend though. we actually go on dates and hang out during the day, which you do not do with a night time friend. they are strictly for booty calls.

the other night we were hanging out and he casually mentioned something about us DATING. eek! it went something like, i was telling him how itchy my face was from his cat, and he said something like, well i'm sorry you're dating a guy who owns one. REWIND! WE'RE DATING NOW? WTF. when did this happen? i didn't say any of this out loud of course because i didn't want have THAT discussion right then. but in my head alarm bells and red flags were going off.

HE considers us to be dating? hmm...does it mean something more casual to him then it does to me? i would not mind if he slept with other girls. it's only fair. but does he think i'm not sleeping with other dudes? he hasn't asked and i don't want to ask him because then i'll have to tell him about side piece (who i actually went out of town to go visit last week!) and then he might decide he doesn't want to see me anymore. or he might want us to be exclusive and then i would have to give up side piece. either situation is lose/lose. i want it ALL! BLERG! i don't want to lie and i dont want to lead someone on but as of right now that seems to be what is happening. WHAT TO DO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

to be continued....

-pussy galore

UPDATE 11.22 - so dude has not called me for daaaaaaaaaaaays! i asked him out to dinner on thursday and he said he was visiting his mom in the east bay, could he take a raincheck? friday, saturday, sunday, monday...and i have not heard a single peep from this dude! WTF. i am extrememly butt hurt here. this is what happens when you actually like someone. it never works out. AND i am pretty sure he didn't lose his phone this time! I HATE BOYS!!!!!!!! i am sticking to night time friends with no emotional attachment what so ever. i am going to go cry in a corner now.

Wise words from CLAPTRAP on the fine art of $$$$$$$$$$.

Ok dudes, real simple.

If it's a dude you're just fucking casually and have no interest in a long term deal with, NEVER PAY FOR DINNER.  Why?  Please refer back to this blog about how your VAGINA IS PAYMENT ENOUGH.

If it's a dude that you actually LIKE and want to see on a regular and consistent basis, by all means, split meals and pay for his ass.

However, you gotta know where the dude stands too.  If you're getting nothing but shitbird vibes from him, DO NOT PAY.  If he's a fancyboy in all other ways, then pay for his ass once in a while.

Bam.

- Claptrap

 Edit:  Oh shit!  First blog post of November.