Thursday, October 28, 2010

This blog is SF vs. NYC, dammit!

And the NYC half of this blog is now starting to pack her shit so she can finally MOVE to NYC.

But what's this?  What do I find while I'm organizing my stuff to move?

TWO FUCKING BUTT PLUGS.

That's right.  Earlier this year I dated this super nasty dude.  You may know him as the guy from this blog and also from this one.  He was super filthy and into kinky shit, which is FINE, until he rolled over to my house one night with a little gift box full of flavored lubes (the man had a porno dick and kept trying to get me to deep throat him, and insisted that flavored lubes would make it easier.  wtf????) and THESE GUYS.

The more I move stuff, the more crap I leave on the street.  Every day, people stop by and ask to take whatever I'm throwing away.  I wonder if I left these on the street, if someone would take them?  Social experiment??  I'm going to leave these on the street and see how long it takes before someone snags them.  HELL YES. 

- Claptrap.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

over analyzing

so me and claptrap have a horrible tendency to over analyze EVERYTHING. especially when it comes to boys. we will literally spend hours on chat going over every nuance and word spoken by our respective dudes wondering and debating about what it all means. because let's face it, girls might be confusing, but boys can be just as frustrating to figure out!

ok so the last time i had hung out with main piece was last wednesday night. we had made plans to meet at benders but i showed up waaaay late (with side piece no less!) and by the time i got there he had to leave to meet up with other people. i also had people meeting me so i couldn't leave. we said goodbye and that was that.

i didnt hear from him on thursday and i waited till friday afternoon to give him a call. i was going to my friends store anniversary party later that night and wanted to invite him. i called, he didnt pick up, i left a message. i go to the party, have fun, and then it's saturday morning. no word from main piece. hmm. strange. ok no big deal. maybe something came up. saturday rolls by and now its sunday evening. STILL HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM! what the fuck? why hasn't he called me by now?!?! is he mad at me? did i do something to upset him? WHAT IS GOING ON???? i talk it over with claptrap and she says to text him. so i do and then tell her:

me: Bah I just texted him
Am nervous now
That he will not write me back
claptrap: Oh man
What did you say?
me: I said hey how are you? Hope you had a good weekend. So rainy!
claptrap: I love it!
Dude that's super sweet.
He would be a monster not to reply to that.
me: LOL
claptrap: You should be worried bout if he's going to be cryptic or not.
Because he will respond.
me: Oh god
I forgot about that shit
That's almost worse than no answer at all
Like some bullshit answer
I'm supposed to figure out
Because at least with no answer
I know what's up
claptrap: Just wait. Maybe something bad happened.
Like he got hit by a car.
And hasn't been able to text.
me: LOL
Hahahahahahahahhahahahhahahhahahahahhaha
Dude
claptrap: Who knows man?!
HA I'm cracking up.
Maybe someone stole his phone from his tiny bicycling shorts.
me: I like how getting hit by a car is the better option
claptrap: HAHAHAH!

not that i would ever want ANYONE to be hit by a car but at least that would be a good reason for not calling!!! oh god, i'm horrible. anyways i'm confident he will text back because claptrap is a smart lady and knows what she's talking about.

........................

monday afternoon. STILL NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! okay i am officially depressed. and my brain is going into overdrive. i pick through every conversation we had, every interaction, how he was acting the last time we hung out, the possible reasons he could be upset with/ignoring me, i think maybe he's already over it, maybe he's upset because side piece crashed three of our hangouts/dates (thanks a lot SIDE PIECE! way to cock block me!!!!), then i think god dammit i fucking cock blocked myself, i obviously did something wrong and he hates me, and on and on and on and on!!!!! do guys do this shit?? or is this strictly a crazy girl trait?

i go about my day doing depressed girl things like eating fro-yo and doritos, sighing every 5 minutes, cleaning and doing laundry. while i'm doing laundry, i get a missed call. ITS FROM MAIN PIECE!!!!! AND HE LEFT A MESSAGE! he's sorry that he's been MIA and that he hasn't been in contact but he LOST HIS PHONE AND JUST GOT IT BACK!!!!! AND he came by my work two different days to see if i was working but i wasnt there. OMG! HOW SWEET IS HE?!?! i call him back and we make plans for the week.

he lost his phone. HE LOST HIS MOTHERFUCKING PHONE. i was mentally freaking out for two days because he lost his phone. it did occur to me that this might have happened but it was a far too logical and easy solution for my girl brain to comprehend. i like to do things the hard way. HA! over analyzing is no fun. i try not to do but i cant help myself! i feel ridiculous and crazy and am smiling like an idiot and of course he must never know the extent of my craziness. GOD I'M RETARDED!! ok big sigh! i'm happy now, or at least until the next uncalled for freakstorm that is my life. HAPPY TUESDAY!!

-pussy galore

Sunday, October 24, 2010

second gayest post ever

just heard from a friend of a friend that the ex misses me and wishes we could still be friends. WHAT THE WHAT? excuse me, MOTHERFUCKER, what did you just say? you cheated on me probably multiple times, lied to my face, broke my heart into a million pieces, and you have the NERVE to say you miss me?!?! hey, NEWS FLASH asshole, when you fuck someone over and treat them like shit, you dont get to be their friend anymore. i mean how selfish can you be???? ARGHHHHH! ok enough ranting. :)

-pussy galore



A MESSAGE FROM CLAPTRAP:
I'm going to jump right in here and let everyone know that this "friend of a friend" was actually me and my ex-boyfriend, the same one my lady Pussy Galore speaks of in the "THE EXES" post. Carry on.


- Claptrap

The Gayest Post Ever.

It's raining like a motherfucker outside, so to treat myself I just purchased a pound of fried chicken, a half pound of mac and cheese, a pint of ice cream and am now watching Driving Miss Daisy for the third time in two days.
Is this why I'm still single?

- Claptrap



I need a winter boyfriend to kill the waterbugs.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

COCKBLOCKED BY A DEAD MAN.

So I've said this a million times before.  Whenever you make plans for something or try to prepare, SHIT NEVER WORKS OUT.  This played out for me last night.
Remember the wax I got like, two days ago?  The one I got JUST so I can have "crazy disgusting and filthy" sex?  Well ya.  Didn't happen.
The handsome Old Man and I went to a show last night.  A bunch of my friends were there.  One of my friends starts chatting with my dude, and asks if he has any siblings.  Turns out my dude had a brother who recently died.  When the show ended, Old Man booked it and went home.  I was HAMMERED as hell and texted Old Man, asking him what the fuck was going on.  Turns out he felt like shit because he was thinking of his brother?  wtf?  Cock(vag?)blocked by a dead dude.  Seriously, I'm like George Costanza.  This shit doesn't happen to anyone else.

On another note, I drunk texted dude from the Sunday night/hot dudes don't know how to fuck blog, apparently destroyed a bunch of shit at my work (I don't remember even going to my work), drunk added some people on Facebook, got semi nude in my room whilst drinking white wine straight from the bottle, and did some other stuff that my friends won't tell me about over text but insist on telling me face to face.  Blerg.

Update:  I found out from my friend that I apparently tried to get out of a moving car to hug someone goodbye, verbally harassed a Canadian, and showed everyone my panties (polka dot boy shorts).  Keepin' it classy, folks!

Update Update: A week before this whole shit went down, I met Old Man after the Giants beat the Phillies in game 1 of the playoff series, right (FUCK YES! GO GIANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!)? We were both HAMMERED AS HELL. Old Man says a bunch of crazy shit, like how he's had a crush on me, and he's missed me, and how I WAS THE ONLY GIRL HE'S SLEPT WITH ALL YEAR. wtf? I'm not a sensitive woman, so I burst out laughing and told him how weird that was and asked why he told me this. He said he had a really weird year. So now it makes sense. I'm guessing the Old Man's brother died sometime this year and he hasn't been in the mood to chase the V. 

I am an ass and this Old Man hates me.

- Claptrap

accidental butt sex

i accidentally let side piece fuck me in the butt. we were both super faded and doing the nasty when it happened. it kinda just went in the wrong hole. oops. i lost my be-hymen. (get it?!?!? ha!) honestly it didnt feel bad but it didnt feel good either. meh. my butt hurts now.

-pussy galore

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Getting your vagina waxed by a small Asian lady with curious fingers...

So today I got my vagina waxed for the very first time.  I was on my Blackberry, texting away the entire time.  Here's a transcript of what went down.   Me: I'm going to go get my v waxed.
  I'm terrified.
 Friend: :)
  awesome
  DUDE
  topic for the blog
  man scaping
10:17 AM Me: Yesssss!
 Friend: here are the levels
1) Golfing Green Trimed
 Me: I am soooo writing about all this when I get back.
  Some dudes overdo it.
 Friend: 2) Bald Mountain
  3) Jungle Escapade
10:20 AM Me: Ha!

7 minutes
10:27 AM Friend: doesnt shaved freak ladies out?
10:28 AM Me: It freaks me out. Rachel digs it.  (Rachel is another ladyfriend who likes shorn men)
 Friend: well you dont go down so yeah  (Refer to RETURNING THE FAVOR blog)
  hahahaha
10:29 AM Me: Ya that's true.
 Friend: dental floss pubes are kind nar nar
 Me: I just think dudes should be manly.
10:30 AM Trimme it good.
  Shaved is not.
 Friend: yeah
  I agree

9 minutes
10:39 AM Me: Oh man.
  I'm so nervous.
  Fuck and there's like tons of people in here.
 Friend: where are you?
 Me: I had to say what I wanted out loud.
10:40 AM Cole valley salon.
  Its where ----- goes.  (Bleeping out friend's name to protect her privacy/dignity)
  So I figured if these people saw her junk they could see mine.
 Friend: oh right
 Me: I'm seriously freaking out.
10:43 AM Friend: the ripping of the V hair?
  haha
 Me: Ah.
 Friend: how long does it last?
 Me: Like 2 weeks.
  I've never done the full brazilian.
 Friend: do it!
  you will feel like a total queen afterwards
  Queen of Persia
10:44 AM Me: Really.
 Friend: like getting a tattoo
  only I wont be able to see it
 Me: Eeeh.
 Friend: so really what do I care?
  hahahahaha
 Me: I wish it was empty.
10:45 AM Do dudes care?
10:47 AM Like if I hook up with old man would he notice the difference???
 Friend: he will yeah
  we always notice
  I think it's more of a relationship thing
 Me: !
 Friend: when you are sexing the same person
 Me: I'm next.
 Friend: its like
 Me: Yeeeesh.
 Friend: a super nice thing to reach down and discover that
  but yeah
10:48 AM do it for yourself though
  not for old man  (Shaddup.  NO GIRL would or should ever do this for herself!)
10:49 AM Me: I am nude with an old vietnamese lady.
 Friend: hahahahaha
  perfect
 Me: Oh my god.
 Friend: have her pour you a shot of whiskey now
 Me: Dude she's going nuts.
 Friend: "live blogging the wax job!"
  quicker is better
  get it over with
10:50 AM hey, I got a 30% off friends and family discount for Levis  (WTF?????? Way to change the subject)
 Me: Dude its like almost done.
 Friend: *Levis
  YAY!
  and oyu were all nervous
10:51 AM you arent all hairy
  like most west asians though are you?  (Goddammit.)
 Me: Dude sjhes all up in my crevices?!!!!
10:52 AM Butt creack!!!!
  Dude this is queef worthy!
  Ih ym god.
  She's sayong how strong I am.
10:53 AM Friend: haha
10:54 AM this is the best thing ever
  I am so glad to be privy to this
 Me: This is insane.
 Friend: after this you will have to LA style caladner it
10:55 AM put on a bikini and oil up
  and get photos
  hahahaha
  with a gun
  or next to a fire truck
  or maybe operating some heavy machinery
 Me: Ha!
10:57 AM Little asian fingers.
10:58 AM Oh my god.
  She's waxing my butt.
11:01 AM I'm done!!!!
  How long did that last?
11:03 AM Friend: like 10 minutes max
11:05 AM Me: Haha I just told my mom.
  Xcellent.
11:06 AM Friend: hahahahaha

8 minutes
11:15 AM Me: You must email me the transcript of this chat.
  It must go on the blog.

12 minutes
11:28 AM Friend: hahaha
  DONE   Please note the sloppy and crazed texting throughout this entire thing.  Seriously, it was traumatizing, humiliating, and really, I'm doing this just because I'm expecting crazy disgusting and filthy sex tomorrow.  Holler ya'll! - Claptrap

when main piece met side piece

i accidentally double booked the other night. was hanging out with my main piece when side piece calls wanting to hang out. side piece moved away a couple weeks back but was in town for the week. i tell him where i am and he shows up 5 mins later. CRAP.

backstory: main piece is this dude that i've been seeing for a couple of weeks that has serious boyfriend potential. he is sweet, kind, and an all around adorable good guy. side piece on the other hand is a total scum bag. i mean he's a nice enough guy but someone i would NEVER consider dating. i did like fucking him though.

it was very strange watching them hang out and play pool together. i drank a LOT of whiskey that night. it was quite stressful! we shut downt the bar and i ended up leaving with main piece which was hard to manuever. still dont really know how i pulled that off without blowing shit up. i am quite surprised that both dudes are still talking to me.

moral of the story. don't double book.

the end.

-pussy galore

EDIT: ok this happened again the next night as well. I AM STUPID. been hanging out with side piece too much and i think main piece is now mad at me. SIGH! :(

Monday, October 18, 2010

hot guys don't always know how to fuck

jameson always gets me in trouble. so do handsome men with tattoos. as my friend was saying, we were hanging out when dude #1 and dude #2 roll in. she's with dude #1, i'm with dude #2. she and her dude have kicked it before but this is the first time i've met my dude. we're hanging out, i'm talking to my guy, mildy flirting, you know, the usual.

sidenote: did you know that when you take a guy's hat and wear it, it's like a secret code for I WANT TO FUCK YOU? i was told of this the next morning. at the time i had no idea, i thought i was just being cute and playful.

anways back to the story. the dudes want to go back to their house. i had to confer with my lady and think about the situation. my friend wanted to hook up with her dude. honestly i could have cared less if i ended up fucking my guy or not. but he was hot and seemed nice so i was game. AND the fact that we were going to be boning our respective dudes at the SAME TME, IN THE SAME HOUSE, i couldn't pass up. as she said later, i was the sacrificial lamb for our mutual amusement.

so we go back to their house and go off with our dudes. me and dude #2 finish boning and are cuddling. (by the way, the boning was not good. i think it lasted all of 7 minutes. he DEFINITELY looked like he knew how to fuck but alas, that was not the case. never judge a book by it's cover.) so we're cuddling when i start to hear noises coming from the other side of the house. LOUD NOISES. i can hear that homegirl is having a much better time than i had. this makes me laugh out loud. i'm laying there laughing, laughing, laughing, and dude #2 wants to know what is so funny. i say, you can't hear her? isn't this the funniest thing ever? and he says, is it strange that we're done and they're still going? OMG and AWWWW. dude #2 was worried about his sexual prowess compared to his roommates! so i have to lie and reassure him that no i had a good time, he was good, and BLAH BLAH BLAH. i fall asleep to the sounds of my friend boning the night away.

next morning me and dude are fooling around when he COMES ON MY LEG. no boning was involved whatsoever. WHAT THE FUCK? what is with this dude? BAH! oh well. i get dressed and text my lady to see if she was ready to leave. turns out homegirl already bounced like 4 hours ago! HAHA! a true lady of the night. so i say goodbye to dude #2 and meet up with her for breakfast where we proceed to hash out every detail of what happened the night before.

BEST NIGHT EVER!

-pussy galore

So that one Sunday night, like, a couple weeks ago...

A sorrid tale told from one perspective:

It was a last minute double date type deal.  I was with my homegirl, he had brought his friend.  We had been hanging out for a couple hours, both men were of the handsome variety, shots of Jameson were consumed, and soon after we were all in a cab on our way to the dudes (SHARED) loft.

Background boy info:  Sex with this dude was weird.  It wasn't bad at all, just WEIRD AS FUCK.  No foreplay, no cuddles, and I would get the hell out of that house as soon as the sun came up.  I had previously compared boning this particular dude to two burly men getting it on in prison.  It was something out of Oz for sure.
Fast forward:  I'm a loud lady.  The last time we had hooked up, the entire house had heard and the guy had told me about it the next morning.  This time wasn't any different though, and I knew my homegirl was on the other side of the house with dude #2.
So we bone for awhile, I'm loud, I leave in the morning, and the entire time I'm wondering what happened with my friend and dude #2... TO BE CONTINUED.

- Claptrap

Sunday, October 17, 2010

returning the favor

"i know i shouldnt complain about this, but everytime we have sex, he ALWAYS goes down on me. and i dont always like giving head, but i feel like i have to, since he is doing it."
 
"Oh hell no. My other friend was talking about that. I was like, ya dudes always go down on me before we bone. And she was like, don't you go down on them?  And I said no.  And she's like, oh you should to be nice and to return the favor. And I'm like, what?  Isn't boning enough of a favor??"
 
HAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

i'm pretty sure this was a sex and the city episode...

girls aren't the only ones that give mixed signals. if you and a dude are hanging out and are feeling each other up, making out, and basically dry humping all night, it's pretty much setting up the ground work for guaranteed boning. BUT if at the end of the night the dude sends you along your merry way home alone in a taxi, WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN??? i thought dudes ALWAYS wanted to bone. what the fuck, was he on his period or something?!?! my vagina feels tricked.

-pussy galore

When a dude brings up old shit....

"It's good when they bring up old stuff.  I've heard, from somewhere..."

It's true.  Why would a dude bring up the ONE time you boned like, 6 weeks ago?  Does the truth come out when  you're drunk?  Even if he does come out of the bar bathroom with his breath smelling like vomit?

- Claptrap

Friday, October 15, 2010

random musings...

"...is it like throwing a hot dog down a hallway???"

the EXES

Have discovered that when our respective exes hang out together, they reminisce about the good times they had with us, and then proceed to talk shit about how crazy we are. HA!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

...and it begins.

"i would not let anyone eiffel tower me, especially in public!"
Enjoy folks.
  - Claptrap